Things I never saw coming from living with a chronic injury.

I wanted to share all of the things I struggled with and continue to face while living with a chronic illness, you can read all about my back problem in my previous blog post. I never expected to experience anything other than pain and a bit of tiredness when I was suffering with my back. Boy was a wrong! 

Probably the biggest thing I didn't realise would happen is losing people in your life you thought were friends. As my problem got worse and I needed my friends more it seemed they were there less and less for me. Don't get me wrong, I have a few friends who have been with me for the entire journey, but I've lost quite a few people I thought I’d be friends with for a long time. I feel when I was getting signed off on sick from work a few times, I started to realise who was there for me and who wasn’t. It started with not hearing from them, then when I did return to work it would feel weird. Out of sight, out of mind. There was one person in particular who I thought we were good enough friends that she would stick by me but she wasn't there. I still miss her sometimes to this day. I tried to reach out once I’d had my surgery and felt like myself again but I guess she had moved on and wasn't interested in rekindling a friendship. I felt unloved. I felt unwanted. I felt unnecessary.
At the time I didn't understand that a friendship is a two way process. I needed everything from my friends, support, understanding, but I didn't have much to give in return, I was unhappy, moody, I never went out because I was so tired all the time and in too much pain, I never considered what the impact of my problem and my mood had on them. Some might say a true friend will look past all those things, realise they are part of something that I can’t control and stick with me, and I have come out the other side with some amazing friends who did that for me, and for that I am eternally grateful to them, but for some people it is a lot to ask. I held grudges against them for that, but now I have let go and accepted that you really do know who your true friends are when you are at a critical point in your life, and I am blessed with the friends I have.

As my problem got worse and I was less able to do things for myself, both at work and at home, this brought with it a change in my mood, paranoia, loss of independence, feeling useless, frustration, loneliness, I almost became housebound. I was getting around an hours restless sleep a night, so I felt exhausted all of the time. This did improve when I went on long term sick but I look back now and I wonder how I functioned with pretty much no sleep for a year and a half! I’d love to share how but I honestly don't know, and the worst of it is, I used to commute to work, on no sleep, and high on prescription pain killers. One morning, I did find myself fall sleep at the wheel, luckily it was split second, no other cars were around and I only slightly veered into the grass at the side of the road. I've never fully admitted before that this happened, and it literally scared the shit out of me. Anything could have happened, I shudder thinking about it. This was also a major factor in me going on long term sick. I was unsafe to myself and other road users commuting across the county in my condition. 

With being at home a lot, and all my friends and family at work, I became quite isolated. I would miss seeing people and doing things. I wasn't able to do much around the house and felt useless. I felt people thought I was making my problem up to stay at home all day, I got into numerous arguments about it, my family felt I could do more around the house while I'm at home all day, and I sometimes struggled to even get up off the sofa, and found myself falling sleep during the day so we had a lot of arguments about that. It frustrated me that I wasn't able to help, that I was getting yelled at for not helping even though I couldn’t, that I would want to do stuff and physically couldn’t, like walking my dogs, like hoovering, like loading the dishwasher, like not being able to sit on the flipping toilet without grabbing onto the bath and the sink for support! 
I started trying to ignore the pain and push through it to be able to start doing more. I’d go out with my Mum and Nana at the weekend shopping even though the pain was so bad I sometimes felt like I was going to pass out. I tried to hide the fact that I was in pain and suffering by trying to be the person everyone wanted me to be, so I would split myself in two. There was the Vikky who would not show the pain, who would try and engage with things and pretend everything was ok, and there was the Vikky who would suffer alone, who would pay for all the things I’d done while pretending nothing was wrong! I would definitely not recommend the approach I took! 
I think I’d have gone completely insane though going through all of this, and being home most of the time if it wasn't for my dogs! They were amazing company for me and they really knew when I was feeling worse and feeling better. After my op they were so careful with me. I love my dogs so much! I don't understand how anyone can live life without a dog. They were my only company while everyone was working and I was home alone and I couldn't imagine them not being there. 

Even though I spent a lot of time at home, I struggled with money. I didn't get any company sick pay so I lived off statutory sick pay which is £88 a week. Luckily I still lived at home so any rent or bills I paid my parents they let me off, but I still had other bills like my phone and car payment, so I started using a credit card for things like the little socialising I did do, and I had a big bill from my car breaking down which had to go on the credit card. Luckily with my treatment being on the NHS I didn't have any medical costs, only prescriptions, but I couldn't imagine what financial difficulties people must get into in places like America. I tried to find out how much my surgery actually costs and it was around £10k! Its times like this that make you realise how precious our NHS is.

In the two years I was suffering, I had gone up two dress sizes. Going from a pretty active lifestyle working with dogs, to being a couch potato really took its toll on my body. I've had to learn how to dress a whole different body shape. I've had to replace my entire wardrobe. With this came self confidence issues. I've never really had many issues about my body, I was a healthy size 8/10 and everything was in proportion, now when I look at myself it makes me cringe. I'm not me anymore. I'm in another body that isn't me. My hair lost shine and became fragile, and I now have horrendous bags under my eyes from years of no sleep. Its really took a toll on my body. I’m starting the gym soon, I’m being referred by my physiotherapist (for an unrelated problem) for free or subsidised gym membership as I am on a low income which should be starting very soon, I’ve never set foot in a gym before so it could be interesting!

I've also had to face one of my biggest fears, general anaesthetic and surgery. I always vowed I’d never have surgery through fear! Whilst now I'm so proud of myself for going through it I was terrified at the time. Waiting for my surgery day to arrive was probably the worst of it all. I literally thought I was going into that hospital to die. I couldn't see a life after Dec 9th 2015. With this fear, and everything else I’d been through came the inevitable diagnosis of anxiety. The first person to notice I may be struggling was my Physio about 7 weeks after surgery. He noticed how I held myself and worried about moving certain ways and doing some of the exercises in the class. I was also getting dizzy, light headed and feeling palpitations. I was terrified every time I moved or did something new I would re-herniate the disc and would set me straight back. I spoke to a Doctor and they also agreed I was suffering with anxiety and PTSD, as someone who has never suffered a mental health condition I was quite shocked at being told I now had one. And that even though I was healed up after surgery and well on my way to recovering that I was no way near being 100% better. This is something thats going to stay with me for life. I will always have to be careful of what I do, I will get flare ups of pain from time to time, I have an issue with the disc above the one I had surgery on so I will always be worried that disc will go too. And even a year post op, I am so much more confident and less anxious but it is still with me. I think it is something I will always carry with me but I'm choosing to look at it as a good thing, as a reminder to not overdo things and risk injuring it further. Looking back on it now, I believe I may have also been struggling with depression, through all of this I also lost my Grandad 3 months before surgery and I’d never really lost a family member before who I saw all the time and was extremely close to so dealing with grief that I’d never really felt before took a major toll on me. He was actually the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep on the surgery table and I think it was his way of holding my hand and telling me everything would be ok. And I was ok. 

Chronic illness will always be something I will live with, but it doesn't have to define who I am and how I live, even though it was the worst experience of my life, I have learnt and grown from it and I don't think I would be the strong, confident, independent and happy woman I am today if I wasn't faced with these challenges to overcome. 

Vikky

x

1 comment:

  1. Wow I seriosuly can not believe everything that you have been through how you stayed sane through this process is beyond me. Its so great that you have come out of it a stronger person and learning who your friends are and possibly learning something about yourself. People can be so unaware when an injury isnt massivly presentable infront of them actually how much of an impact it can have on your life. Fortunatly for me I have a supportive partner who makes sure im not going nuts and sees when my injury flares up. Its not easy but we will pull through and be stronger for it x
    www.lolitabonita.co.uk

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